Context: Sakata Gintoki 坂田銀時 being the boke ボケ for Shimura Shinpachi's 志村新八 tsukkomi ツッコミ.
sou... karushiumu da そう･･･カルシウムだ [That's right]... calcium.
{karushiumu sae tottokya} subete φ {umaku} iku-n-da yo カルシウムさえとっときゃ全てうまくいくんだよ {If [you] just took calcium}, everything would go {well}, [you see]. All you need to do is ingest calcium, and everything will go well.
juken sensou, oya to no kakushitsu, {ki ni naru} ano ko 受験戦争親との確執気になるあの娘 The exam war, discord with [your] parents, that girl [that] {[you] are interested into}.
Exam war refers to university entrance exams and the competition surrounding it.
iku} wakeφ nee daro!! いくわけねーだろ！！ [There's no way that's true]!!
There's no way to translate the phrases above literally, because one completes the other, and the first one ends in the adverbumaku, "well."
subete ga {umaku} iku すべてがうまくいく Everything will go {well}. (what Gintoki intended to say.)
{subete ga {umaku} iku} wake ga nai すべてがうまくいくわけがない There's no way [that] {everything will go {well}}. (how Shinpachi completed the sentence.)
{ikura karushiumu tottetatte} naa, {kuruma ni hanerarerya} hone mo oreru wa!! 幾らカルシウムとってたってなァ車にはねられりゃ骨も折れるわ！！ {No matter how much calcium [you] take}, [you see], {if [you] get hit by a car} [your] bones break!!
